Can we Grieve Well?

Grief can be overwhelmingly awful.  And it can hold joy.  

And then pain. And then gratitude.  

Lather, rinse, repeat.  

When we are in the throes of grief, it is hard to believe we could ever “grieve well.”  If we are allowing ourselves to feel the pain, the sorrow, the disbelief, the anger, the acceptance, the gratitude, the sadness, the anxiety, the depression and all the other convoluted feelings— then we are grieving well. 

Grief demands to be witnessed by our own self and by others.  Awareness of the feelings and allowing them is the secret sauce to grieving well and even healing grief.  (Can grief be “healed?” Yes, absolutely! Healing in this case means, yes we still miss our loved one, but the pain only visits and doesn’t control us.)  Grief can be pushed down and held at arm's length, but it will always wait for you to deal with it.  Often oozing out at random times or building up as dis-ease in the body. 

As grief starts to age, it can look and feel different.  Grief’s needs will change, our needs will change, our desires and perceptions will change.  This is all a part of the process. 

By allowing or feelings to surface or acknowledging the guttural feelings, we are moving through the wave and therefore witnessing it. We are sitting with it like an old friend.  Would you ask an old friend how they are? What do they need?  Sometimes we intuitively know what we need.  Maybe a nap, nature, food, water, crying, journaling, etc and sometimes we might have to ask what our grief needs. What does the sadness need or the what does the anxiety need? What would they want to say? 

I write this the day after Mother’s Day.  I wanted to write a post before Mother’s Day, but I couldn't find the words or emotions because I was filled with dread and a lot of emotions I couldn't put my finger on.  This is my fifth Mother’s Day without my only child, Israel.  Interestingly, life is the only thing that we understand backwards and now I can see a little more clear what was going on with me the last weeks.   My grief is changing.  Through the years, I have taken a more interactive role with my grief.  Tending to it, pruning, watering, admiring. Sometimes I am in shock that my grief is healing.  How could something like losing my son tragically be healed?! But I have allowed grief to be seen, to be heard, to be witnessed and it has made all the difference in grieving well.  Even as I was writing this I had bubbles of anxiety.  I did some intentional shaking and then asked my grief what it needed, it said Love.  So I hugged myself and said I LOVE YOU.  Some deep breathing.  Now I can finish this post.  This is grieving well.  

Ways I honored my grief over the last two days: Went for a long hike, ate nourishing food, had a delicious coffee, went golfing, cuddled with my man, took a nap, wrapped myself in a blanket, binged some Prison Break, and lazed about.  I cried, I felt grateful, I stayed off social media, I laughed.  Grieving well doesn’t look like flowers and Better Homes and Gardens.  It is all of the garden, tangled roots, soil, seedlings, deadfall, new buds, old trees, dried up flowers, and  leaves scattered.  

We are holistic beings and we need to not only acknowledge our feelings, but our bodies, our spiritual side and our mental side.  This is a much needed balance when grief is with us.  If we are nourishing our bodies with food, but neglect the guilt we are feeling, we are unbalanced. This can lead to more problems in the future and complicated grief.

Where are you at in this season of your grief? Are you honoring your pain? Are you honoring the joy? Are you taking care of your physical body by nourishing it with life giving food, water, and words?  Are you moving your body?  Are you breathing deeply? Are you reining in your thoughts?

I will be discussing this holistic approach in this month’s Dead Serious Workshop entitled Sacred Soil. You can register here: Meeting Registration - Zoom

You can also tune into the podcast, “Sacred Discussions” I recently recorded on this topic. 

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5AapBOPfZorJaZW1X5e6cs?si=ad3f4d7d6c314af8

Id love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Reach out here or by email: joslyn@sacredroaddoula.com and find me on Instagram @sacredroad_doulacare